Am I Fucked For The Rest Of My Life?
--
I changed the names of real-life people in this story.
Life is crazy.
Yes it is.
Life is perhaps…insane??? I agree. You wake up, you crawl, you walk, you ride a bike, you fall off, you get back up, you go to elementary school, you kiss a worm that you picked up off the ground, you watch Jackass: The Movie, you participate in a Jackass: The Movie type video in Grade 7, you paper cut your penis while someone films with a digital camera in that Jackass: The Movie type video in Grade 7, you let this Jackass: The Movie type video haunt you for the next few years until it finally just attaches itself to the side of your brain and becomes a part of your existence. That’s just life.
Jackass: The Movie was a life changing and a life affirming event for me. 85 minutes of pure stunts and senseless self-inflicted violence. As a Grade-5-year-old boy this blew my mind, it was unlike anything I had ever seen.
Before its release there were rumours floating around my childhood home about the internet stunt video compilations: CKY and CKY2K. My two older brothers had seen these at friend’s houses, however our dial-up internet could not handle downloading these absolutely barbaric anthologies!!! So when Jackass: The Movie was finally available, to rent, in-person, at BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO, I was now able to witness what looked like to me, a 10-year-old boy, as pure freedom!!! I began to look up to these men who kicked each other in the nuts and defecated their own pants. My dad had Leave It To Beaver, I had Guy Who Takes Shit in Hardware Store Toilet.
Every other boy at my school — Holy Rosary Catholic Elementary School in Waterloo, Ontario — began to look up to these men as well. I think the thing that was lost on all of us was that these guys were in their 20s and 30s, and we were all around 9, 10, 11, and 12. Despite us all not even being teenagers yet, we felt like we were in our 20s and 30s too.
I don’t know where my personal infatuation with these men was leading too. I don’t think I actually ever wanted to be a stuntman. I just wanted to be cool, and these guys seemed both cool, and like they were having the time of their lives. That right there was enough for me, that was enough for all of us.
The question we must ask ourselves though is…was it enough for Devin and Cody??? The two hell-raising, maniacal, and lawless class clowns of my grade. Think The Artful Dodger…but on bath salts!!! Teachers were constantly separating these two, and never allowed them to be in the same class, but all of that did not matter when school was let out.
I was their friend, but a bit more straighter laced…a bit more Oliver Twist…a bit more pussy-ass-bitch…if you know what I mean!!! I was always so worried about getting in trouble because I was scared of my parents getting mad at me. They personally did not give a shit about all that, which ultimately I respect.
I wanted to make sure to be friends with these guys because to me, it seemed like they were the closest thing you could get to becoming friends with Johnny Knoxville and Bam Margera. They both even seemed daring and willing enough to possibly do a stunt here or there!!! Maybe I was their missing piece…their Ehren McGhehey…
A few years simmered after the release of Jackass: The Movie. At this point, Bam Margera was becoming more and more like a divine figure to us young men-boys. Ideas began percolating, and the kettle was about to boil. We were in Grade 7 now, pretty much grown adults at this point, and in early September of 2004, on the playground, it was finally announced…
Devin and Cody had come up with an idea…and in unison they declared…
“We have acquired a digital camera…
So we are going to produce a film…
And we will call it…
…Dumbass!!!
We need ideas for stunts…stat!!!
Writers…let’s go!!!”
Wanting to fit in and to blow away the producers…I walked forward on the blacktop and offered an idea that would permanently alter the course of my life forever…
“Why don’t we make a video of somebody paper cutting their urethra?”
A dramatic silence fell across the playground. Birds stopped flying. Soccer balls being kicked froze right in the air. Time ceased to exist…all until…Devin and Cody opened up their mouths…
“Excellent.
That somebody paper cutting their own urethra will be you.
You got the job kid…
We will begin shooting next PD Day.”
I don’t why I suggested this. There was no divine intervention or holy power that whispered it into my ear. I think actually one of my brothers or their friends came up with this whole idea of paper cutting your urethra casually one day when walking home from school and I just stole it. I could be wrong though, however, I would love to err on the side of me being an absolute plagiarizer!!!
I really did not want to do it, and the more I thought about doing it, I knew it was a bad idea. It became clear to me that the concept of me paper cutting my penis was not nearly as scary as me having to expose my penis to my peers all while being filmed on camera. Devin did promise however that he would be able to blur out my dick by using his high-tech, top-of-the-line, 2004 video editing software: Windows Movie Maker. That promise really did not reassure me though, so I began filibustering the stunt from being performed. PD Days came and went, and I had every excuse in the book as to why I could not perform the stunt.
“I’m sick…”
“My mom’s home…”
“I just found out about natural disasters…and I am having a really hard time processing them…”
I said just about everything to hold off as long as I could, but there began to be immense pressure from the studio to begin production…
“When’s it going to happen Ben? You seem like a lot of talk but no action buddy. Maybe there’s another paper-cutting-his-own-penis-guy in this school…”
“Nonono….Devin…I’m good for it…trust me…next PD Day…please…I’m your guy.”
“Alright, okay, fine, let’s see if you are a man of your word or if you are an absolute asshole!!!”
“Don’t worry I will do it. I am a man of my word…an 11-year-old man of my word.”
That was that. It was all set. It was my time to deliver.
The camera would roll in late October on a half-PD Day. This unique type of Professional-Development Day was all the rage in the Ontario school system in 2004. Students would go to school in the morning, and then when the afternoon rolled around they would be sent home so teachers could learn about bullying. So once the lunch bell rang…we were done, that was it. I marched home to my house, and a horde of boys followed behind me.
Why did I suggest this…why must I be a moron…why is Kyle Vedy coming? Do we even know him? Dear God…
My parents were not home that day, my dad was at work, and my mom was somewhere else…don’t worry about it!!! Me and my horde of boys piled into my home and prepared for the stunt of the 00’s. The craft truck, producers, and lighting guys were all there. I was number one on the call-sheet, it was my time to shine.
Earlier in the day I had let Devin and Cody know that my mom had a muscle stimulator, and they thought that was so cool. They wanted to film themselves using it in a similar fashion to the way they do in the movie: Jackass: The Movie.
“Ben…this is awesome…we are absolutely delighted that you let us know that your mom has a muscle stimulator…we are going to put it on our asses!!!”
“Excellent…enjoy guys.” I replied.
The two boys put the pads on their individual butt cheeks and cranked it all the way up to eleven son. They shrieked and screamed all while Kyle Vedy filmed on Devin’s camera that happened to shoot in 144p, which was very advanced at the time.
“Alright Ben…you’re next…it is time for you to do the paper cutting your penis thing now.”
“Man…I dunno…”
“You have to do it…Dumbass depends on this…all of our investors will pull out if you do not complete this stunt…”
“You will be able to blur it out though…right???”
“Yes…you have…our word.” they bowed.
“Okay…” I responded.
I grabbed a green sheet of construction paper off our craft shelf in the basement. It must have been from when my mom taught Home Economics in the late 80s. It was old, worn, and soft. It seemed like the most comfortable piece of paper for this particular…stunt???????? My weapon for battle had officially been chosen…so I headed into our basement bathroom to mentally prepare myself for war…
This is going to suck…hey penis…damn man…be like Grinch heart and grow three sizes today…please man…please…
“Hurry up Ben…we don’t got all PD Day.” Devin and Cody yelled from beyond the bathroom door.
“Okay.”
I opened up the door…my 11 years of life had all led up to this…
My hands pulled down my pants, and I flicked out my 11-year-old penis. The horde began laughing because it was so small.
“Let’s go Ben.” Devin declared while holding his digital camera.
“Yes…let’s go Ben…” I said back to myself.
I took the construction paper with one hand and slid it up quickly against the head of my penis, right over the hole. It didn’t hurt at all, but I screamed anyway for effect. Immediately after finishing the deed, Cody rushed in through the horde with a salt shaker. He came up close and shook it near where my “paper cut” penis was. This was all for added effect so it would potentially sting my wang. It did not sting though because I did not properly paper cut my penis. I drew the paper up parallel to my hole. If you truly want to paper cut your own dick effectively you must draw the paper across in a perpendicular motion…FYI!!!
That was that.
It was a wrap on Ben. The 11-year-old stunt-performer who paper-cutted his own penis. No after-party, no ACTRA credit. I am of the opinion that I was viciously robbed!!!
The horde of boys left my house and I was all alone to clean up the wreckage. I put the green construction paper in the garbage bin under our computer desk, and began sweeping the salt on the bathroom floor. I cannot help but think that the spilled salt would proceed to give me bad luck for the next few years because I neglected to throw any behind my back after Cody tried pouring it on the head of my 11-year-old penis.
Months passed by like they usually do. Me paper cutting my penis would come up in various playground conversations, and it did kind of bother me, but like, it was just some random video, it would never be seen. Sharing a digital video with other people was a near impossible task in those days…far too complicated…there was no way it would ever be seen…
2004 turned into 2005 and Grade 7 turned into Grade 8…high school was truly within reach. During my last year of elementary learning Devin asked me to do another stunt where I would eat a bunch of Subway sandwiches in hopes that I would have some sort of Celiac-shitting-my-pants-reaction (I have Celiac Disease). I refused to participate because I found it to be a health and safety issue. I was over stunts, and more into emo music and reading books at recess now. I began to become a little removed.
I entered Grade 9 with my paper cutting my 11-year-old penis days long behind me. I was far more focused on Wii Boxing, and watching YouTube videos of Tom Cruise jumping on Oprah’s couch. The future was officially here, in the year 2006, 9 years away from when Marty McFly would arrive here to save Marty McFly Jr. — why couldn’t you save me you disgusting bastard!!!
High school is the merger of so many kids into one giant new cesspit. Of course when hundreds of teenagers meet for the first time, intelligence, tales and legends of each elementary/middle school gets passed around and traded. It would only be a matter of time before the stunt heard around the world would reveal itself…
In Mr. Aldano’s Grade 9 Geography class we had a lot of free time to colour-in maps and trace the contour lines of countries such as Bolivia. Naturally during these periods kids would gossip their asses off. So one day, as I used my blue pencil crayon to shade in Lake Michigan, I overheard a semi-acquaintance of mine, Scott Gridondella declare,
“…ya and then Ben papercutted his penis!!! It was very miniature. I saw the video at Devin’s house…in stunning 144p!!!”
My body became warm and I started to twitch. I looked over to see who was the receiver of this revealing news, and it was none other than Cali Baumeister — my brother’s ex-girlfriend’s younger sister!!! She turned and looked at me with utter shock and horror all over her face.
All I could manage to mutter was, “I…dunno.”
What else could I say???
People finding out and/or discussing the stunt in front of me, would happen every once and a while over the next few years, however my body began to brace for it to happen all the time. I would go to bed each night and pray to God that no one would bring it up the next day. Every time someone did bring it up, I would pretend to brush it off, but ultimately it just broke my spirit.
The point that always seemed to be discussed was that my penis was so tiny. Was I supposed to be packing at 11??? Did people want me to have the dick of a donkey at 11-years-old??? It made me disgraced of my own genetics. It was clear to me that I came from a long line of men with massively small 11-year-old penises.
Finally, to my delight, in the year 2009, Dumbass had made it to the big leagues…it got past the A.I. censors, and was officially uploaded onto Facebook!!! The whole stunt compilation including the rare, uncensored, but often talked about, video of me paper cutting my 11-year-old penis was finally available for the whole wide world to see, in the absolutely most crisp 144p. I personally couldn’t bring myself to look at it, but other people could, and from what I heard, Windows Movie Maker did not have the technology to blur out an 11-year-old penis.
“What’s up papercuts!!!” Johnny McMichales said to me one day before I entered music class, ruining my month, and causing my soul to dislodge itself from my body.
“Not much…” I responded as I began to enter another dimension and see myself from a third person perspective.
I honestly don’t know how many people bothered to look on Devin’s Facebook page to see the video. Every once and a while someone would come up and mention it to me, but I personally could not stop mentioning it to myself.
Your 11-year-old dick is on Facebook…your 11-year-old small penis is on the internet…uncensored…uncut…all there.
I had a hard time trying to chanel any strength to ask Devin to take the video down. I just did not want to seem not-chill or not-cool, or like a narc for wanting it to be removed. All I needed to do was relax and just accept that my uncensored 11-year-old penis was on the internet.
I floated through the next few years of high school guarded, defensive and unconfident. Sure there were some great times, and I had some great friends, but I never talked to any of them about how incredibly bothered, scared, and suicidal I constantly was feeling. I even went to a therapist for a bit at the time but I never brought it up with him either. I kept it to myself and let it rot my brain.
I thought about running for valedictorian in Grade 12 but I just couldn’t. All I could picture was me, at the podium, delivering a legendary Class of 2010 speech…
“…ya so ‘The Hills’ after being on the air for the past four years is finally ending this summer. Man what a show…I’m really sad it’s ending man. If you think about it…high school is kind of like ‘The Hills’…there’s so many hills in high school…right? A teacher turns 40…they’re ‘over the hill…you go on a class ski-trip you go ‘downhill’…do you see what I’m getting at?”
…
Applause break…flowers are thrown on stage.
…
When suddenly…
The voice of Johnny McMichaels comes out from the darkness…
“Hey everybody…get a load of papercuts!!!”
A screen drops down.
The 144p footage of me papercutting my penis is finally projected…for a full theatre of people…
A bucket of animal parts gets poured onto me from above.
The crowd gasps.
My body dissolves.
To say this all held me back would be a bit of an understatement. I still feel damaged. I always have a hard time watching movies about high school or witnessing the success of young adults or teenagers because to me, I feel like those particular years were partially robbed from me. Sometimes I skip whole parts in movies and books that deal with the blissfulness of youth, because I can’t handle it, I get jealous. Maybe I am romanticizing the past, but I just feel like before this stunt, I could feel confident and believe in myself. But after the stunt, I just felt like there was always something hanging over me. It didn’t matter how good I felt at any given time, because the moment someone would bring up this incident those good feelings would be taken away from me.
In 2012 I somehow decided that enough was enough. I was two years removed from high school and I just wanted to move on with my life and not feel like people were going to stumble across my 11-year-old penis on Facebook. I could not handle another moment thinking about it being on the internet anymore. I don’t know what came over me, but one delightful September afternoon…2 and 1/2 years after a video of my 11-year-old penis had been posted on Facebook…and 8 years after I paper cut my 11-year-old penis on camera…I finally messaged Devin…
“Hey…do you mind taking off the Dumbass video on Facebook or just editing my part out. I really just don’t want future employers seeing it. Thanks man, no worries if not.”
I wanted to be devastatingly casual in my message and make it seem like I didn’t care either way. It wasn’t like I had been thinking about this moment for every single minute of my waking life for nearly a decade…it was that — I didn’t want it to stop me from getting jobs. If you own a sarcasm detector…it is probably going off the charts right now!!!
In nearly no time at all a message appeared in my inbox….
It was from Devin….
With bated breath…I closed my eyes…and clicked: open…
Only to reveal…
A DM…
That read…
…
“Ya man that’s totally cool I’ll take it down.”
Epic.
I could not believe how simple the response was. Did I just spend the past 8 years worrying about a problem that could have been this easily dealt with? He was cool taking it down now, but would it have been a different story if I would have asked in high school? I am not sure.
Facebook, and the whole idea of posting videos on the internet, was almost just an idea back in 2004. I remember it took nearly half a year for me to download the music video for Weird Al’s “Eat It” on KaZaA, so in no way did I expect a website to be invented where you could watch me paper cutting my 11-year-old penis mere seconds after clicking on it. The only thing I am grateful for is that this video did not go viral like Star Wars Kid’s did…I stand with Star Wars Kid!!!
I do not blame Devin or Cody for any of this honestly. It is not their fault and it is not my intention to demonize them in any way. I really do not think that they knew how much it affected me. They were just kids too. I am sure if I talked with them about it now they would understand. All I wanted was to be cool, and sometimes being cool involves paper cutting your 11-year-old penis on camera for the whole world to see.
