Maybe You Feel This Way Too

Looking back three years later

The summer of 2017 was the summer where I swallowed all of my Venlafaxine capsules in hopes that I would vanish. I was unsuccessful in my attempt and instead woke up 12 hours later with a chunk of my head missing.

“This disturbs me greatly AF…” I said in an amazing sarcastic voice as I picked up my belongings off the motel room floor. A feeling of distress came over me as I touched the back of my head and noticed that a chunk of it was gone. It wasn’t a massive chunk but it is still a chunk that I miss to this day in 2020!!!

There was so much blood on the pillow from the missing piece that I could have donated it to a picnic of very hungry vampires!!! I would have done that too if I was not such an absolute coward!!! If Bella and Edward asked me nicely I would have totally given it to them though :). The only people I actually donated my blood to were the unfortunate people who had to clean my room. I am sorry…please don’t hate me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This was the motel I stayed at.

I had nothing but hate for myself at this time, my plan had failed and I made a gory mess. The hate did subside momentarily as I began to enter a state of primal fear when I began wondering what kind of damage I may have done to my body. I had no idea how I had hit my head, but I felt that it was my duty to get home quick to examine the destruction I had caused.

Since I was already feeling reckless I decided to not use any ride-sharing services or to hop on public transit, but instead hail down a taxi from one of the many notorious Toronto cab companies!!! Despite the bad reputation this particular company often gets, my driver happened to be severely kind!!! From that moment forward I decided to never judge a driver by their cab company!!!

“Late night???” the driver asked.

“Yes. I was partying my ass off.” I responded.

“Excellent…” he replied…but in a Mr. Burns voice!!!

There was only so much small-talk I could handle…I needed some time to reflect instead. I stared out the window of the cab in a similar fashion to the Joker after he famously got arrested on screen in 2008!!!

“Harley Quinn…save my ass!!!”

The cab rolled up to my place and I got out with my legendary swagger!!! Prance, prance, prance I went. I lived in an apartment on top of a drum store in Kensington Market AKA the Home of the Legendary Hipster Zombies of Toronto!!! I ran up the stairs…entered me flat (British accent)…and went to the washroom to participate in one of my favourite activities…

This was my room in my legendary Kensington Market Apartment.

“Let’s get to some pissing…” I said to myself.

“…”

“Pee…”

“Pee for me please.”

“Please piss…for me…I will buy you Tim Hortons!!!” I begged.

Nothing I did or said could get that thing to piss. You really do not realize how much you enjoy pissing until it refuses to come out of you. It was terrifying. I had no choice but to go to the hospital to see if they could look under the hood and get that thing to work!!!

I was so intent on wanting to be able to urinate again that when I got to the hospital I forgot to even mention to the doctors that a piece of my head was missing!!! I was too focused on the pissing. This lapse of judgment was an ultra-cringe move by me!!!

I ended up getting discharged from the ER with a catheter up my urethra and the hope that it would help me pee again. Loved my legendary catheter!!! It stored all of my pee during its two week stay in me free of charge. I predict that pee will be worth an absolute shitload of money one day and become a collector’s item. Resellers…start your engines!!!

Me and my catheter.

Start your engines aside…once I got home from the luxurious hospital which was a mere two blocks from my fabulous residence in Kensington Market AKA Home of the Legendary Hipster Zombies of Toronto…I noticed something very peculiar. I pressed the back of my head, looked at my fingers and saw that there was a substantial amount of fresh blood.

“My brain is officially…falling out.”

Primal fear took a hold of my body once more. The back of my head was so squishy that it truly felt like I was touching my own thoughts and feelings. I rejected the idea of going to the hospital twice in one day because to me that would have been savagely embarrassing!!!

“Maybe it will clear up!!!”

It did not. For a week my head bled on every single thing it grazed. “Everything I touch turns into blood!!!” (Goldmember voice). There are only so many things you can smear your own hemoglobin on and I was getting sick of it. I was done with emergency rooms, and decided to go to a walk-in clinic instead. This man needs variety!!!

Aaaand why do we call them walk-in clinics??? Are these clinics owned by Christopher Walk-in??? I will never know, but I will say this…Canadian Healthcare you are one fucked up motherfucker!!!

I waited a mere undisclosed amount of time in the waiting room for the walk-in doctor. When I finally got into their office I said to them, “Can you please help me…my head has been bleeding for a week and I think me bloody brain is falling out!!!”

To which the walk-in doctor replied to me, “Your brain isn’t falling out you dumb motherfucker…that is just the skin on top of your skull!!! And sorry but we cannot fix it…too much time has passed it will probably scar!!! Next patient please!!! Security!!!”

To which I responded…“Da fuq…sooo this is why Canadian Healthcare is free??? Beware of the free lunch eh???”

To which the doctor responded…“You are an outright dumbass and I hate you!!!”

To which I responded to the doctor “Thank you Doctor Awesome”…and I left the office!!! And when I say “The Office” I do not mean the one that Jim, Pam, Dwight, Michael, and Stanley worked at!!!

This all upsets me greatly. Not only did I not die but now I have a scar on the back of my head that makes it look like I’m balding. Plenty of days I feel like I would rather die than go bald!!! No offence to bald people it is just how I have felt and how I currently feel.

This is what my bald spot looks like, maybe it’s not that noticeable when I have more hair, but I still notice it quite a bit.

It has now been three summers since the conclusion of these events!!! I understand that there are more effective ways to commit suicide and I also understand that it may seem like a lot of complaining over one attempt!!! I assure you there have been other attempts, but this was the one that really counted.

I am not really sure what to do now. I really don’t know. I am in therapy and on some different medications, but nothing can stop those grim thoughts from coming in day by day and taking over. I cannot be sure if it’s because of Celiac Disease or childhood issues…but it is with me all the time.

I am now also way less inclined to kill myself because I am very scared of doing more damage to myself or others. I have thought about jumping off a bridge but I wouldn’t want to hit a biker, runner, or a car. I can see myself in all those people, even the car.

It’s just hard to stop thinking about. I have been thinking about ending it since grade five. I can’t help but feel like it has set me back, and continues to set me back. So many opportunities I have ruined for myself out of self hatred, not believing in myself, and being locked inside my head. So many times I have mentally ran away, retreated, and wished I was dead. I understand that I haven’t been given a horrible hand at all, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to die all the time.

I never know who I am going to be when I wake up. I find out moment by moment. Each day has a crisis and oftentimes I can’t solve it. I still think about ending it all the time.

This was intended to be my final tweet on the day of my attempt.

Maybe you think about it too? I know this has been kind of woe is me to some degree…but maybe you feel this way too? If you do let me know. Please don’t worry about me. I am actively trying to get better and I do have good support systems.

This is all I have to say at this time!!!

To be continued…

Ben